lust for strangers

i think one of my favourite emotions and feelings is lust, it makes my whole body tingle.

ive never felt it as strongly for anyone ive seen at an event as for a masked guy i met at a club.  tall (im short so most people are to me) dressed in black trousers, a black vest showing off toned arms and shoulders, and a half mask, framed by sexy lips and sandy blonde hair.

i watched him for ages, he was one of the first things i noticed and i was fasinated by him all night,

i looked up, while i was waiting at the bar and he was next to me.  omg.  i spoke to him, i wanted him more than my shyness was holding me back (yes i was shy and innocent once)  and he had a soft european accent and i just melted. 

i kept bumping into him through the night, till he was walking around by my side, two people, in a kink club sharing shy glances.

we agreed to leave together, and i was so nervous and excited, and the strangest thing...i never saw his face until we were outside.  it never occured to me that i didnt know what he looked like, i just wanted the idea of him. (i also got the actual him on more than one occasion as well :D )

since then...that outfit is without a doubt my favourite choice for guys at fet clubs.  boring for some maybe, but it certainly gets my attention in all the right ways.

got dumped

why is it always the time when im actually happy with someone they stomp on my feelings and leave me in tears, which then makes me angry that im crying. 

i have new toys ive been saving for my someone special and this morning he left me crying in my bedroom and just stormed out. we went from curled up together in bed to broken up and alone in about 5 minutes.

my new toys are lush. a leather gimp mask and a new strapon dildo and ive been making plans since they arrived and just been waiting for him to stay around long enough to play with me.

an actual blog entry

ok, most of the blog is filled with stories, some real some made up about my sex life.  i really need to write some new stuff.  im sure i must have done something in the last few months that will be worth reading.  its the upside of being a slut. i have a lot of material to work with ;)

but tonight is about rambling randon crap, this is an online diary so i might as well put some thoughts down.

i love watching tv or a film and seeing faces i recognise from other shows, the evil mayor from buffy has just shown up the middle which is kinda cool.

its almost christmas, which means my birthday which means me being grumpy and bad tempered.  it also means everyone out and about is going to turn into a complete arse when out shopping.  i work in retail so i know what they are like when im protected by a desk, but even worse is being out amoungst them.  its like everyone takes on a riot mentality and the aim of the shopping trip is to maim as many people as possible :(

anyway its time for me to go have a shower.  i love my shower, it makes the world better :D

A poem. Soul deep scars

Tears and blood run freely, my soul cracked wide, jagged edges catch against torn nerves and the smell of death lingers, in my mind as much as in the air.

So many memories lost, layered in my grief till some mornings I wake cheeks wet, dreams drenched in loss.

Death walks with me, ghosts sit beside me and regrets share my cross roads, always shadowing my choices.

I miss you all, those who passed, people who took part of my heart through the veil between now and what comes.

In the ink etched in my skin I remember, in the blood that ran down my back I ache for you and in the pain that needled flesh I branded my grief for all to see.

Monsters stalk my sleeping dreams, sadness greys my waking vision. Eyes blinded by tears, hands tremble, emotion ebbs and flows, over whelming then void of any.

Short of breath, totally alone, world goes grey, ugly in grief, silent howls, never stoping till world blacks.

Years pass and still it hurts, missing you in days of joy, walking alone while surrounded by ghosts, spirits who watch me smile through tears when memory comes.

Never will the world feel safe, never do I relax into the warmth of family and always do I carry you with me as I walk this path alone, eyes stop crying and sleep comes dreamlessly and always my world stays turning for I live so my ghosts may rest.

Play time in public

Now normally...in the past I've never been much of one for public play, it has never really appealed. However in the last couple of months ive found some people who I not only like privately toying with but also in public at events.

I'm still not sure if it is them or my ability to focus, I know I've changed, I'm comfortable with hurting and causing pain and I love it.

On Friday I had a pretty blonde at the end of a lead, she is lovely and bruised so nicely when I used my toys.

What I've discovered is that I don't need to hide behind outfits, I font need PVC or fetish gear, and that I now feel confident that there are people out there who choose ME to sub to, not just the outfit and not just a random domme.

It's a great feeling to know that I've settled into my skin as a sadist, I'm still not done learning and experimenting and I still have things to learn, but till then.... I'm quite happy practicing and it seems I'm happy to practice in public now as well which opens up a whole new world for me.

At first I hated knowing people were watching, judging maybe, it made me nervous but now I find that I forget they are there. The other people in the room mean nothing and cease to exsist (unless they walk between my flogger and my sub). I still don't think I will play with strangers at clubs, I enjoy a connection with those I hurt.